Friends and I laugh that we all “need to engage with more positive media”. Alas, we keep coming back to stories that are far from positive. I wasn’t sure what compelled me to start watching it recently.

It occurred to me that I’m craving glimmers of hope, love and subtle (or loud) acts of resistance. A nod to hope that things aren’t destined for the horrors we can imagine. Similar to the “true crime girlies” or dystopian fiction addicts, I think many of us are seeking evidence that justice can be served. And that there is room for possibility of a better outcome.

As a single woman, a homeowner, and knowledge worker myself. I would be one of the first enlisted at the mercy of the Republic of Gilead’s laws. Admittedly, I’m nearing the end of Season 3, so I don’t know what’s left of June’s story. But I see why I’m addicted to knowing more. I want to see her, us, prevail.

Some other stories that I’ve devoured recently, of parallel premise:

• The Mad Wife by Meagan Church (book)

• I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman (book)

• Slewfoot by Brom (book)

To resistance <3

I ask her. Am I crazy, to want what I want?

To believe so deeply in her. Is a true honor. She is a true great. The greatest. And for him to not see it, is a shame. Because she is gold in human form, and an absolute expansive being to be around. Onward and upward I say. And just as my former therapist said, sometimes the best way to get over one man is to get under another one. And she was so right. But the pain of betrayal hurts. And we laugh and laugh. Because that’s what we do.

We rage at the news. And talk shit. If only they knew. Beneath our “stupid broad” image, we are as tender as we are coy. We see farther. We are expanse in human form. Our silence kept as a means of survival, but no. You have no idea what we are capable of, if only they knew.

If only they knew.

I didn’t want it, but it was really one of the best things that could have ever happened for me. This breakup experience was very traumatic, and so was the relationship. Between now and then, was a rather tenuous journey of self discovery. Alone, who am I?

Now, 36, I face a new season. Not marked by a failed marriage but an iterative continuation of self discovery in relationship to others and the world around me. Knowing and loving self is now the foundation of which I discover how I relate to the world and those close to me. It’s a much different starting point than needing the validation of others to feel okay.

I don’t feel a need to be accepted by all. But where I’m accepted is where I want to be. There’s an ease to it. A light breeze.

This quote has been my measuring stick.

My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude. - Warsan Shire

Interestingly, this story seems more challenging. But perhaps it’s just different. My coping mechanism is to do much of life alone, it’s felt much easier this way. Now, the challenge is stay true to myself in the company of others.

To not please others in sacrifice to myself. To not sacrifice others in service to myself. To be in relationship with others, while in relationship with self.

Game on.

With love.

I’ve been calling in community around me. It’s been a year of living here in Sacramento and it’s been so much easier on my heart. Love overwhelms me to witness what happens when we move towards what is calling us. I wanted to grip onto what I knew and what I thought I should want in San Luis Obispo. But it made me sadder and more heartbroken. I let go and moved to a place where I felt joy and curiosity, again.

Now, a year later, I’m feeling my grief of friends moving on with their lives. And I’m still craving community in a new place. The in-between is so painful. As I grip onto the relationships that held me at a different version of me, I feel stuck in the cocoon.

My therapist said, ‘what would happen if you focus on being ready? Can you hold your hands open to receive, rather than holding onto an old version of your life with a death grip?’

I think I can do that. I think I can send out the beacon. While carefully taking aligned actions with how I want to feel and exist in this next chapter. It’s so easy to fall into old ways of being, they are habitual.

I’m happy to report, I sent out the beacon. And quite divinely, beautiful souls are fluttering into my life. Who knows the longevity, but the impact is profound. I’m home.

I can feel the confines of the cocoon. It brings me rage and so much sadness, grief. Because nothing is as it seems, and nothing seems to be moving in a direction. When I don’t know what direction to move. I guess I feel comfort in having something to move towards.

The discomfort makes my skin crawl, but there’s no where to go.

I come back to this poem called A Tendency to Shine by Adyashanti.

“If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind's clothing
with more sooty knowledge.

No, I have something else in mind.
Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.

For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.

So don't just sit around this flame
choking on your mind.
For this is no campfire song
to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with.

Jump now into the space
between thoughts
and exit this dream
before I burn the damn place down.”

Hang on dear one.

With love.

This has been defined to me as depression. And maybe it is/was.

I can say that the basic self care, comes a bit easier to me these days. At the same time, I’ve lost sight in a future, or things that bring me joy. Life is good, I’d say. I have happy days, but it had been a while since I’d felt “lit up” by anything. I could find pleasure in my failsafe crafts, reading, hiking, spending time with my loved ones. But lit up… that has seemed far fetched at this point in my life.

If you’re not familiar with the To Be Magnetic program, Lacy Phillips (founder) describes the key to manifestation and getting what you want out of life is to become your most authentic self. Who were you before the world told you were someone else?

We outgrow methods that once brought us peace and wellness, all the while our perspectives changing as we age and our external world is changing as we shift jobs, homes, partnerships, friendships, have children, experience heartbreak, loss. The list is long. And then we are left wondering what happened? Where has the joy gone?

Every so often I feel called to the things that I loved so much as a child. It’s my fall back plan, when I run out of ideas to feel sense of enjoyment in my day to day. As a child I loved horses, dance, science, and drawing.

Recently I started taking a figure drawing class at the community college near my house. It feels like home. I haven’t drawn for fun in many years, perhaps since college. I’m looking forward to see what unfolds for me here.

What were you stoked about as a child? Start there.

“Remember what brought you joy and made time disappear when you were a child - a time when your creative innocence was fully alive. Those memories are a compass, guiding you back home to your most authentic self.” - @RisingWoman (Sheleana Aiyana)

As I’m detoxing from the constant onslaught of bitesize information on instagram, I’m noticing more subtlety around me. The air feels quieter. Details are standing out. I feel less rush.

I took a few minutes to watch a handful of stories on instagram, via my computer. I love how intentionally meta has made it annoying AF to use instagram on your computer. It doesn’t make me want to be there long.

In that time today, I saw a post that read

“My main goal in life is genuinely just to have a good day. Five year plan? Have a good day. Why I’m doing what I’m doing? Because I want to have a good day. It is all about having a good day. Nothing is as precious as the present moment. Neither the past nor the future. Therefore I will make sure to spend it having a good day.” - stuckinapril

For what I’m feeling today, that felt like a warm hug. Let’s all just try to have a good day.

With love.

I want you to value you as much as I do.

I want you to feel safe and empowered and at peace.

I want you to be happy and to feel lovable.

I want you to believe you deserve great things.

That you are capable and worthy.

I want you to believe you are perfect as you are and wherever you go, I will follow.

And I can’t do all of this for you.

It’s all you, baby.

I hope you can open your heart wide and read these words as truth.

I would love that for you.

I can never do enough to win their approval and that’s a fact. Or is it?

I’ve resorted to just doing what I need to do, going about my life actively knowing I’m a huge disappointment to most. I don’t let it get to me, but there is a steady anxious energy underlying my glowing smile. Because I know I’m letting you down this very moment.

I think, someday I’ll be free. Someday I’ll be around people that aren’t disappointed in me. But really I need to just be.

In fact, it’s not the people. The amazing, glorious people. It’s me.

I’m dropping all the balls and running with it. K? K. Love you. Bye.

When I take the word away from wealth, it actually feels very liberating and free. Like a flourless chocolate cake. Simple, decadent and filling. That’s moreso what I feel when I think about what it means to live rich.

It has nothing to do with money, but how much it fills the senses and makes one feel deeply. Like gathering a few friends to attend a mending fair on a Sunday afternoon. Bringing our tattered clothes to learn how to mend them into something artful and sweet. Mended feels more rich than new ever will, because there is love now sewn into the hems where friction once ways. And that’s freaking beautiful.

I’ll now wear my old clothes proudly, knowing my friend’s hands added some love to them. Or I took the time to patch the hole that was born there a while ago, in a time I remember well.

Rich is in the simple, decadent and full. And money isn’t even part of the discussion.

There is security in setting an intention to follow through and to be willing to put in the work to make that something happen. Commitment. I’m not scared of it.

I tentatively walked forward and still have. Unsure of my steps and feeling a bit directionless. My intention has changed to securing my footing and walking forward on my own accord. Gently handling what joins my path.

My foundation is filled with tending to mind, heart and body. Creating and mastering my crafts. Playing and giggling. Connection in the most tender of form with strangers and friends, alike. The moments are rich. My security is found in my joy and my boundaries. Knowing myself more deeply is my foundation.

Time and care to connect with our inner compass, our joy and our center will carry us through life. All else is a bonus, the frosting. Where are we feeling lost? What is most frustrating? Maybe the connection we seek outside of ourselves is a scream for how we need to tend to ourselves, our parts. My inner teen wants company, off to the flower fields we go.

We all experience the world differently. Some observe. Some just go at it and see what happens. I use both.

A few years ago I decided I wanted to write a book called “It’s all data”. If you are close to me, you hear this phrase a lot. I may have even told you about the book idea. The concept was a collection of stories, specifically of experiences I’ve had while dating. My mind works much like a transducer, collecting moments in time to be used to paint a bigger picture later. I grab nuggets of information from each interaction and use them to steer me as life goes on.

Lately, I’m not sure these stories are fit for a book. I feel they need more flexibility and freedom, more than a rigidity of a binding can offer. So, here we are.