Another Way to Burnout

In case you needed more, more, more

Last year I burned out on self development.

In my early 20s, I started going hard on the therapies and the reading and the programs and the sessions and the fitness routines and the mediation retreats and all the things. It began when my father passed away, 12.5 years ago. The intensity of which I took on my own growth was truly impressive. But I didn’t stop. I didn’t take a break or set things down until I was diverted to something else.

Late 2022, I acknowledged that I no longer had any focus in work, play, self development or self care when earlier in the year I could not find any drive to go to the sessions (therapy, embodiment coaching, etc). It didn’t feel like depression, it just felt like an exhaustion of the soul that kept progressing. It felt like I couldn’t lift my arm to reach any farther, all I wanted was to just be where I was.

That was scary.

I’d experienced burnout in my working life, but this was a first I’d experienced it in my personal life. It dawned on me when in discussion with a dear friend, he mentioned his ability to focus and be disciplined with his self-care out of SELF-LOVE. That blew my mind.

I thought the opposite of burnout was “just” rest. And rest hasn’t been a concept I understood, nor something that was necessarily embraced in my family system. And the definition I have always had for discipline was that it was a means of punishment for wrongdoing. Wrongdoing being defined as just not doing enough.

Taking it way back, my early family dynamic was very much that of striving, creating and producing. As a family and as individuals, we did incredible things and accomplished so much. I’m grateful for that imprint because it’s been such a cool way to spend my days even into my adulthood. By now you can probably see where one would reach burnout if their only way of being was by doing more. yikes.

Moral of the story, I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of being focused and disciplined in my actions out of self-love, not punishment. It’s actually very confusing for me. The imprint is so deep in my understanding of the world, myself and what it means to live.

I’m still personal growth focused (five books that I’m actively reading on my bedside table, I see you!) and I’m still doing the work associated with that, but it’s a lot more gentle. It involves a lot more checking in. I’m not trying to beat the shit out of myself to be better. I’m taking on growth as a way to love myself more. And that’s a big difference.